I pooped on Grays, I’m sorry about that.

I was thinking about doing a sunrise hike on Grays and Torreys for an October grid slot. But I wanted to watch the Arkansas - Miss. State football game Saturday morning. So, Sunday would be the day. I’d head to the trailhead after the game.

Then the game started. Well, the first quarter was ugly. Maybe I’d head to the TH early and go for a sunset hike. There would be more clouds, more color.

During the second quarter I finished getting my gear ready. By halftime I was ready to get out. I think after that awful fumble against Texas A&M two weeks ago the Hogs fumbled away the season. It’s been a struggle ever since that play.

I hadn’t had lunch yet, so I decided to stop by Whole Foods in Frisco to get a quick meal: fresh spicy tuna sushi roll and slice of cheese pizza.

Less than an hour later I was on the trail at 3:12 p.m. I saw a few people coming down, but it was pretty empty for Grays.

I took a sip from my bladder. It tasted a little funny, like it wasn’t clean. But I had put in fresh water.

Grays and Torreys were like the Black and White Cookie. Ying and Yang. Grays had snow. Torreys was nearly clear.

Snow began to cover the trail shortly after the trail split for Kelso Ridge. The snow was great. Just deep enough to cover all the rocks and smooth out the surface. It was like a white sidewalk all the way to the summit.

I was feeling pretty good and making good time. Despite the snow coverage, I could see glimpses of the great work CFI crews and volunteers have been doing.

Saw a couple hiking down and right before we were close enough to speak. She slipped in the snow. It was starting to firm up in the cool evening. She was fine. As we passed each other, with an air of confidence she told me it was late to be starting a 14er. I didn’t have the patience to explain things, but just said I was doing a sunset hike.

Those were the last people on the peak.

Up I went. Saw the new sign for Grays trail and the G&T Connector trail to the saddle (4:50).

I stopped to take a few photos of Edwards, Bierstadt and Evans.

Then I had a weird sensation in my gut. It passed quickly. I didn’t pay a lot of attention to it.

As I got close to a switchback, it came back. Like an intestinal cramp. Was that real? No way. I was feeling fine. I took several more steps and there it was again. I stopped at the switchback and really thought about this. I would be fine. I don’t need to poop, I did that before I left the house.

I thought about what I had to eat the day before and today. Nothing weird. Nothing out of sorts.

There was that sushi. There was the odd taste in my water. But my stomach felt fine. No nausea.

I turned the corner, and my gut turned.

Whatever I was thinking had no bearing on what my lower intestines were screaming about.

I looked around. No one was in sight, thank goodness.

Any other day, any other time, this peak would be full of people. There is nowhere to hide on this slope. You can be seen from nearly everywhere on this route.

It was inevitable.

I had to drop trousers.

But where?

I walked a little bit with my butt clenched up tighter than a rusty pair of Channel Locks.

I knew I had to get off the trail. I couldn’t leave a mess where people walked.

Up or down?

I dropped down off the trail on to the slope. But only about 10 feet.

Yanked off my gloves.
I pulled off my pack.
Dug for my potty kit.
I made sure my pack would not roll down the snowy slope.

I did one more check for people… not that it mattered; I could not hold back the flow.

My ass was about to show.

The slope was steep and slick with frozen rocks and snow so I had to sit spider-crawl style as to keep my balance by using my hands.

I was barely set and it burst just like the song.

Wow!

Relief! Disgust! Alien baby?

I have never in my life gone from feeling perfectly fine, to having instant diarrhea. From the first cramp to dropping pants took only a few minutes. It was that quick. No time to run and hide.

I waited there, pants around my ankles, hands in the snow, ass hovering in the air, wondering if I was done. Had it all evacuated my bowels? Would there be a second push? Was it running down the slope toward my pack?

I wasn’t sure just how messy I was and how much toilet paper I had. To help with the cleaning, I stuck my butt in the snow. That was cold, but also refreshing. (Would be a great way to recover from a bad Taco Bell deposit.) Almost like an icy backcountry bidet. Did it twice more, but had to move each time to keep from retrashing myself. My hands were getting cold and tired. I needed to make a move before I fell into the spoil.

I won’t go into too much detail, but there was an impressive amount of brown sludge melting into the snow. I cleaned up as best I could and put my used paper and wipes in a dog poop bag I carry for such situations. (And no I didn’t leave it along the trail like so many do.)

But for the steaming brownie mix… that wasn’t something any type of bag could hold. And how could I scoop it up to put it in a bag? Even if I would have had a wagbag with me, I don’t think I could have used it… in time.

I pulled up my pants to get warm. I hung out for a bit to make sure I was OK. And just like that, as quick as the episode began, it was completely over.

I looked at how close I was to trail above me. I had to do something about my make-shift latrine. I kicked at some rocks, most of them were frozen to the slope. I was able to dislodge enough to cover my desecration. I kicked some snow over the area too.

I did another check for people, just in case I had to explain how my body revolted against itself.

The cool temps would freeze it into a poopsicle before morning. Not sure what the after sun and temps would do to it over the next week or so. Someone is bound to get an offensive whiff to their nostrils.

I regrouped, feeling a little vulnerable. I’ve pooped on peaks before. Even had some diarrhea on a winter hike of LaPlata. But nothing so instantaneously dramatic.

The one thing I did know, I couldn't trust a fart the rest of the night.

Back on the trail, I was on a time limit to catch the sunset. It was an easy walk to the summit. Gorgeous clouds and light filled the sky. Such a change in experience from minutes ago. (Summit just after 6:00, 2:54 in the hike)

Knowing I wanted both peaks, and didn’t feel like spending a lot of time out in the dark, I kept walking. I only stopped to take photos from the summit. I made really quick time going down the saddle. My microspikes stuck tight to the firm snow and I was down in minutes.

I took more photos from the ridge and then from the saddle. Most of the snow disappeared at the saddle (6:21). I was walking on rocks for a bit, but not long enough to make taking off the spikes worth it.

Up the Torreys ridge, the trail had about an 80 percent snow coverage. It snowed on me a little bit on the ridge.

I turned around and saw the moon. I had no idea there was a full, or nearly full moon on Saturday. Totally cool.

More photos. A quick stop on the summit (6:59). Took an hour from summit to summit… I wonder how much of that time was looking at the sky and taking photos?

Before heading down, I took a sip or two of water and had a few gummie bears. That was all I wanted to put back in my stomach.

Another quick descent to the saddle (7:19). I took the “connector” trail back to the main trail. This trail wasn’t as packed down. Soft and deep in a few spots. But still a quick go. Ran into a user path at one point, so I pulled out the GAIA to make sure which path I should take to the “connector” split (7:38). Took about 2:50 to do the peak loop from the sign.

Despite the light from the full moon, it was hard to see the trail because the bright moon was in my peripheral vision. I used a head lamp from the summit of Torreys all the way back to the trailhead.

The snowy trail was great. Back at the Kelso trail split area I took a few minutes to take off my microspikes and eat a few more gummies. I made the trailhead about 8:54 p.m. A total time of 5:42 and 8 miles. Not too bad.

I got back to the Suburban and saw a car parked next to it. Knowing how people sleep in vehicles I went to the opposite side and opened up the Burb. But I had to get something from the other side. Yep, there was someone sleeping in the car. I did my best to be quiet and not shut doors (just yet). I grabbed some clean clothes and the box of baby wipes. Those things are the best. I cleaned myself up just in case and put on fresh undies. I closed the doors and started up the rig. I got out as quick as I could, so people could go back to sleep. I headed to back to Frisco for a bite to eat then toward the Kite Lake TH for a morning hike of Democrat.

I had a hard time getting to sleep. My legs were tight, and nearly cramping. I had to readjust several times. I obviously didn’t drink enough water on the hike. That funny taste might have been the reason for the pit stop. I drank my fill on the drive to the next trailhead, but I guess it wasn’t enough, and the dehydration was taking its toll.

I made it up Democrat just fine, but decided against the loop. I already had the other three for the October grid.