Through one raging storm, I drove all night so I could climb all day. On an impossible mission to be the first ascensionist of the great Gherkin Spire. A
monolith of untouched virgin conglomerate sandstone with hints of quartz, proudly erected from the emboldened earth, sleek to rough, especially
around the edges, so I am told. A real dagger donger jutting from the deep molten belly whose secrets arise on the first pull.
I am given these specific coordinates: Gherkin Spire

A first ascensionist hungers for a complex and unique way of life. Success depends wholly on immense inspiration. Before embarking on this epic
journey I would elicit some advice from my usual suspects adept at a myriad of sophisticated rock dancing moves. Some own cool gadgets, others
rehearsed on daring international exploits and the remaining with a bevy of unique talents. But only one shall continue with style.

Dakota: Little buddy Doppleganger.

Joe: Joegolo. Maybe true. Maybe not true. Better you believe. "How's my hair?"

Tony: "Okay Ames in this section here I want you to do this special technique called groveling!" He snidely lambasts me as he passed the crux free and
ran it out 20 feet before the next piece. I forgot the #4 once on that climb that required a #4 that he told me not to forget, and that was the only thing I
had to remember.

Dave: "Hello Amy, do you hear me?" "Affirmative, Dave. I hear you." "Uprope Amy, uprope!" "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
Oh wait, we haven't any rope.

Abe: Some call him the Turkish Terror I know him better as, 'Passes Wind in the Night'.
Yo! Because when you're doing a really really hard move, there is this excess explosion of energy that you must let out. The air merely explodes out of
you.

Pretty sure I still owe him $1,000 bucks for that back scratch fever.

Ryan: There is no disappointment so enervating as someone only a little better than you achieving more.
Don't let the halo glow fool you like it did me.

Mr. G: Mister Happy. "You mock my pain!" I cry "Life is pain Princess and anyone telling you less is trying to sell you something, now get out there and
go figure it out."

Justin/Andy: Free soloing can be deadly, even if it looks great in photos. Having not seen the hairbreadth creativity of the Chossinator, the boys wanted to get on the same side but couldn't find a way to do it. They shout to me; "How do we get on the other side?"
I answered; "You are on the other side."

Marc: The "Q" to my double oh seven. In the face of dangers that were real and immediate, all he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did I knew
we'd be prepared for any battle.

He whisks me away on his F-35 Joint Strike Fighter. Aye, aye Captain, Oh my Captain.
(imaged blurred so I don't have to kill you with the information only I'm privy to)

After several hours we became hopelessly lost. I studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting my
compass, and finally the sun.

I climbed to the mesa top because he told me drinks were on the house. After all these years, I still fall for his tricks.

Hmmm, looks like I read the guidebook wrong, this one's an E7 not a VS.

Finally he said, ' Okay see that little massive spire like waaaaay over there?'

'Yes', I eagerly answered. 'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.

Would the honorable Gherkin Spire please rise.

After an exhausting search I'm getting quite tired of hanging here, but I want to try it one more time. I will not be thwarted.
Be unique and different, just say "Oh hell yes"!

To be the first sometimes you have to get totally animalistic.

I have only one rule for my first ascent: Don't go down anything I can't get up. After quite a bit of hunt n' peck I am at last headlong face-to-face with
The Gherkin and I vow to climb this spire and take hold of its fruit.

To begin I chose a sitting start and made a powerful sequence of moves, squeeze my thighs and trust the rubber. I found the Gherkin to be a bit tricky
in parts as it packed a lot of climbing in for a relatively short bit of rock and did not disappoint.

As I staggered over the rim, it was not at all clear to me who was the conqueror and who was the conquered.

I may not be able to pull on the smallest of holds, but those I can pull on, I can pull on all day long but there were no holds so I had to use skill. Once
mounted, I decided to be bold and not bolt the Great Gherkin Spire. To leave it in it's pure status. A solid V2 at an impressive 6 and a half inches, I
mean feet.

Climbing is a sorta brain enema. It can clean all the crap out of your head. But sometimes it can be like a dog eating it's tail.

Each climber loses one finger or toe once in awhile.

Blood. A substance commonly used to mark a climbing route.

I ponder the events of the past hectic days and have proven that I am wholly alive, and that no matter what transpires from here on in, I have truly lived
because I didn't choose jug life, jug life chose me. And you know, crimpin' aint easy.

My desire to climb arises and vanishes like the urge to sing and remains as mysterious as life itself. I'll leave with one thought.
Just remember, before you go Bro-ing it up, make sure you take your favorite Bro!