My Hampster Wheel

While driving to a local sport climbing crag in Flagstaff Arizona with my buddies on a hot summer day I saw this street sign.

That’s about an hour away I thought and hiking across it has been a bucket list adventure for me the first time ever I saw its face. Every time I have a crazy idea, there is a catch, specifically a concern for my safety in the face of potential danger that is real and imminent. This is a process that all rational minds consider even those whose prior brain damage flares up from time-to-time as mine did when I saw the sign. I’ve always wanted to walk across one of the seven wonders of the world, twice! My overachiever rationale says you can’t win if you don’t play and you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

We bushwhacked a little until a climbers trail was found and along the way I had time to think. Sure, I am crazy and have crazy thoughts. All I must do is ask; and as soon as I do, perhaps I would no longer be crazy and could just sit on the couch and eat chips? I like chips. I would be crazy to complete this mission and sane if I didn't, but if I am sane, I must go. If I go, I am crazy, but I don’t have to; but if I don’t want to, I am sane and must. I am moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this catch-22 and justify my deep thoughts by not wondering what if because I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I am motivated by the fear of not doing however I believe we all spin on whatever hamster wheel we choose compensating for something we fear. It’s okay to fear the answer but not okay to avoid them and so I go just to answer the question. Can I? My heart pounded and excitement welled up then confidence set in. I waited until we took off our packs and studied the wall then confessed my plans; the only problem is I’m convincing no one because I’m with my tribe. Instead they offered help, but I resisted because if I’m going to get myself into this mess then I want to complete it self-supported rim to rim to rim. I am prideful.

After getting whipped on the wall because I’m not a great sport climber and my head wasn’t in it, I hit the road in the late afternoon, stopped by a convenience store for some skrat snacks and water, waited at the South entrance of the Grand Canyon with 65 other cars, showed my National Parks pass then finally parked at 7pm. I packed, unpacked, repacked and changed. This typical procrastination occurs each time I question my motivations. If they are pure, I go. By 8pm there is still light as the sun set and other trekkers are headed up. I pass by a pair of women twice my size and they have that deer in headlights look. Then I hear them cheering at the top and chatting with onlookers letting them know they started at 6am, made it to the Colorado River and were just now finishing. The snarky devil on my right shoulder is sneering at me saying, if they can do half then you can do whole…STFU little devil!

Sunset on the south rim

The brief glimpses of vastness are slowly disappearing as natural lights fades, twilight enlivens and the night creatures come to life. I pass by a few more hikers finishing their journeys and talk to a few who are curious of my plans. My steely eyed gaze is beaming with confidence. My headlamp is attracting all the flying insects. They swarm my head and the buzzes are silenced often from small acrobatic birds on the prowl. I’m entertained but annoyed at times when the bugs flutter at my face, ears and nose. I see little mice scurry about and one big rat sneak off the rock to my right. Ewe. Then out of the corner of my eye I see a small cat and know it’s a cat because its characteristic silhouette of sharp pointed ears, glowing eyes, sly walk and a long curved bushy tail. It was a ring tail cat. Maybe it was hunting the mice I was illuminating? I empathize because I’m like a domesticated outside cat with endless fearless curiosity and live life without fear of failure. I don’t mind chasing the canaries into the coal mine and somehow, always find my way home for dinner, but I tend to walk a fine line between being a hardass and a dumbass. Some of my best life lessons have come from failures and remind myself that failure is not fatal. But maybe? Can I do this? 47.5 miles R2R2R; down the south rim up and down the north and back again up the south with 10,919 vertical gain? Who you are is what you’re willing to struggle for vs. being in love with the result and victory. This is going to hurt but you know what, life is pain and perhaps maybe a long life must be filled with many unpleasant conditions if it is to seem so long?

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug

Let's go wing it

At the Indian Garden camp ground, the trail flattens out considerably then crosses the shaley desolate Tonto platform. Then the trail follows a creek through a meandering gully of water sculpted stone, I barely see a waterfall by headlamp but can hear the shimmering cottonwood trees in the summer breeze. The trail becomes steep once again where this gully empties into the broad, bowl-shaped pipe creek drainage. This section of trail, affectionately referred to as the 'Devils Corkscrew', according to my map is ‘brutally hot during the summer months and should only be attempted during the early morning or late evening hours’. There’s a giant thermometer at the camp ground and it’s 99 degrees at 11:30pm. I contemplate taking my Capri shorts off and changing into my daisy dukes to let my legs cool off. I know there are 3 people ahead of me because I’ve seen their headlamps but now one is headed my way. He stops to warn me that there are two guys ahead and they seem to be up to no good. This assumes that I am good. I laugh, say thanks, give him my steely eyed glare and scamper ahead. I fill up my water bladder at the camp ground water spigot, change into my shorts and put my knife in my left pocket. I see a sign for the East Tonto trail then study it on my map and contemplate my options. It was a good time to read the map because of the one warning that the trail braids as it hugs garden creek and careful not to follow the braids because this steep loose section is for the working donkeys. I stay on the Bright Angel trail and find where it parallels the Colorado River along the River Trail. It is sandy. Poor donkeys I think. I see the two up-to-no-good guys acting like donkeys on the other side of garden creek where it said not to go and they are shouting at me. I shout back that I can’t hear them because of the water and trek on. They disappear down the steep loose donkey trail section then reappear behind me at a fast pace. Oh boy. They ask if I know where East Tonto trail is and I say, yep far far behind you back on the Bright Angel trail well before the campground. They ask where I’m going and I say R2R2R then ask if they can follow me because they are a little lost and just want to make it across the silver bridge. They have huge backpacks and small plastic water bottles. I ask, “where is your map, what’s in your backpack and is that the only water you have?”

All their answers led to an annoying human behavior I’ve coined as intellectual apathy. “Oh I didn’t know, Oh, I don’t have a map as good as yours, this is just something I’ve always wanted to do and figured it wouldn’t be this hard.” Yeah well neither did I and I don’t expect any bail outs. After they told me they had hot dogs in their backpack and no extra water I knew we wouldn’t be friends but agreed to get them across the bridge. They are brothers and the elder convinced his shy little brother that this would be a good bonding experience. Mmm hmmm. He talks a lot. I like walking across the bridge because the Colorado River is raging and I can’t hear the chatter behind me but wish it were daylight so I can see the beauty. I hear the might between oceans and find my first moment of peace since I began and remind myself that peace is not always quiet.

High five the moon over the Colorado River

We get to the other side of the bridge and ahead is the massive Phantom Canyon Ranch but it’s midnight and all is quiet on the western front. We three sit at another water spigot and big brother tells me he's an engineer for Lockheed Martin and little brother has a speech impediment that I just now noticed. He reminds me of Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade. Mmmm hmmm french fried purtaters. Big brother asks me what I think of Elon Musk flying to Mars. I am quite bored by his conversation and am more impressed by how unimpressive he was. Instead I offer clean snacks and some electrolytes because I’m dissatisfied by their hot dogs. They take my offerings and I show them on my map where they can camp for the night and don’t bother asking if they registered with the Park Rangers because thru hikers as myself don’t need to register but campers do. Oh well. I bid them adieu and can’t wait to be alone again. I find a short cut ranch hand trail through the horse pasture and quickly rejoin the North Kaibab trail. I’m starting to get tired. I brought a little sleeping bag just in case. The North Kaibab Trail will be my next challenging ascent as I’ll have to climb up 7 miles at a 15% gradient during sunrise. I miss running and can’t run anymore so pacing myself will be the key to finishing. My headlamp is still attracting the riff raff and now I see and hear bats on the prowl then I see a couple scorpions, can hear coyotes howl and there is no way that I’m going to lay my sleeping bag anywhere along or off the trail. Coyotes freak me out. I have no defense against the night life so I pop a caffeine tab and two vitamin I’s and sloppily keep going. By 4 am my heavy eyes and feet need a break. Bite me I say and plop down. I slept a couple hours on some rocks by the river and nothing bit me. Good.

Why did the scorpion cross the road?

I look at my map and the bottom of the canyon is starting to wake up. The beauty down here is amazing. I love the desert. I hear a big fat animal rummaging through the river weeds, bushes and bamboo. Then hear snap, snap, tromp, tromp, snap. What is that I think. I get closer. This animal is snapping twigs, branches and bamboo like they’re toothpicks and my sleepy eyes finally realize, this is a beaver! They are much bigger than I imagined. He is clearing the area and working hard on his next project. I think, yep the harder you work the luckier you get. Even beavers know that.

Leave it to beaver

Fell asleep on these rocks

Climbable

Also climbable by me someday...

I still have a long way to go before I start hiking up North Kaibab trail but my map says I have an option to take a short spur trail to Ribbon Falls. When I approach the spur there’s a sign that says the bridge to Ribbon Falls is down but I see a climbers trail because clearly all trekkers think alike so I go bushwhacking through the dessert, which is like hanging out with 25 pissed off Freddy Krueger cats. Everything has spikes. I jump over rocks, cactus and fjord a small river with water up to my crotch but it sure cools the legs and feet….ahhhhh. I make a couple cairns for my return so I don’t get lost and get a nice little scramble up some desert sandstone rock that has a few etched petroglyphs and it’s hard to tell if they’re authentic. I can hear the waterfall and feel the mist. The temperature is about 20 degrees cooler back here. I find a puddle with tiny little black tadpoles then turn the corner and my oh my. This is the most breathtaking waterfall I’ve ever seen. Distance and space are functions of speed and time and I get to see it all right here, right now. I feel very grateful to get to see all the beauty this canyon possess. I don’t want to leave. I’d like a glass of wine and some cheese and crackers please. Oh and a foot massage too. This is such a gift to get to come back here so I can hear myself think. Sadly I know I can't stay because I have a long day ahead.

Pretty spiky things

Someday you'll be big and strong

Ribbon Falls

20 degrees cooler back here

As I’m bushwhacking back I see a guy off in the distance ahead running towards me. He looks like Forest Gump with banana yellow tiny tight running shorts and scraggly curly black hair sticking out underneath his white bandanna and he keeps running at me. When we crossed paths he stopped and asked if the North Kaibab trail was behind me and I say no it’s Ribbon Falls and you should go see it. He said he read a sign that said the bridge was out and that’s why he ran along this climbers trail hoping to find North Kaibab. I tell him that the sign said the bridge was out to get to Ribbon Falls not the main trail and to follow me because I know where it is. He wants to get to the top of North Kaibab because he has a shuttle waiting. He tells me that running rim to rim is a bucket list for trail runners. I don’t bother telling him I’m doing it twice because he could run circles around me and my petroglyphed body. His exercise meditation was running like the wind and mine is an ordinary hamster wheel so I hiked as fast as I could, got us back on the main trail and showed him the fallen bridge that was wiped out from heavy water along the Bright Angel Creek. He thanked me for being a trail angel and like a feather in the wind he flew away and just kept running.

You might get across or bushwhack in the desert. Pick your poison

Back on the trail looking at Ribbon Falls

Alone again I see Bright Angel waterfall on my way toward Roaring Springs Canyon. And now the daytime animals have the stage. Lizards, geckos, snakes, big horn sheep, elk, birds of prey and grey squirrels. I saw them all. I see a dead lizard on the trail that looks like it died from heat exhaustion on it’s back with it’s tongue hanging out and no visible trauma and I think that is such an undignified way to die; it reminds me how not to die. Any chance I get to chase shade behind the scrub oak and squirt water on my face I do and sip often. It’s too hot to eat.

Do you see the angel?

How about now?

The trail up is about the width of a fire road mildly technical with big exposed drop-offs and much sandier than the south. There are big steps for little people like me. Now I’m passing people going down as I’m coming up and a few comment that whoa you started early to which I’d like to day no kidding only they think I started at the same trail they did. One woman on her way down stopped me and asked what time I started so I told her I started last night at 8pm from the south rim. She says I am brave and wonders if I have a scarf or balaclava and warns that the mules (not donkey’s) are on their way down and the dust that they kick up will choke me to death so wet my scarf and wrap it around my face, and if that doesn’t kill me the puddles of pee and poo are wide spread so watch my step. I was on a mission to beat the donkey’s so I pounded sand, probably made a couple pearls in between my toes and all sweaty, hot and exhausted made it to the top without harassing the wildlife. Yippie! I'm not special I just don't mind suffering, a lot. The trick is not minding that it hurts, a lot. At the top of North Kaibab now I found a nice big shaded cottonwood tree and passed out underneath it for a couple hours. I used to forgo sleep to accomplish my goals but now sleep is non negotiable. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all.

Meet Sebastian my pack Sherpa

I have no idea how long I slept. The bustling North Kaibab trail head was busy with hikers, bikers, cars, horses and mules. I wipe the sleepy out of my eyes, drink some water with electrolytes and eat a snack realizing I don't have much more for the hike back down and up. Maybe I shouldn't have given my stuff away? I could hitch hike to the cabins and maybe weasel my way out of this mission by hitchhiking all the way back to the south but remember, I am prideful. So head hung low in shame for considering the cop-out down I went.

I see there will be shade for my hot return

But first I get to fry and die

All the necessary bridges were intact and they make me think that the freedom I cherish is not without risk and responsibility.

Bridges are beautiful

As I say goodbye I wonder if I missed the mules? I can smell them.

Mules are much bigger than donkey's and I sympathize with this troupe feeling hot, tired and smelly. The last mule didn't half ass anything and blew me a long wet smelly kiss. I shout back, that'll do donkey, that'll do. I pass the mules early on the descent and didn't need to wet my scarf because the dust was long behind me and now I get to choose my noise pollution.

Maybe I should go back and steal one?

I run into the lady that gave me the nice warning thanking her and telling her I got lucky with the passing and secretly wanted to steal one for a ride back down. Then she offered a ride in her nice air conditioned car all the way back to the south because she was headed that way anyway. A temptress. A social hiker who tried to ingratiate herself with the stubborn fool but my stubbornness always wins. I curtsied away but was grateful for her offer and didn't look back just in case her medusa stonewalls me. I am going to complete this mission no matter how much it hurts.

Humphry's Peak. Tallest in Arizona.

I should have bought a squirrel! Did you ever see the movie Rat Race with Kathy Bates et all? Not a good movie but the squirrel lady, Bates tries to convince Whoopi and her mom of a shortcut on the road so they can get to the $2 million if they buy a squirrel. Blinded by greed they turn her down. As they are careening off the road down the cliff side Bates posted signs along the way.."you"..."should've"...."bought"..."a squirrel"! Fools. Now I feel like a stubborn fool for turning down the nice car ride back. This is my mess and I'll be sure to clean it up.

Clean up aisle 1/2 way down

The views always changing with each hour as the sun kisses the wall. I'm taking my time to enjoy all the offerings.

Sunkist

In shade now with toes ablaze I stop to tend to a blister. An older gentleman is whistling his way up then stops to ask if I need anything. We talk awhile and when he learns of my mission he asks if he can take a picture because he says many go rim and back and some go rim to rim with a shuttle but the few, the proud, the brave go rim to rim to rim. I'm flattered but I also know that despite this being a mission almost impossible there are some with gifted genes that go back and forth many times and there are even fastest known time speed records. However, anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile initially scared me to death. I still have a lot of work to do.

Hiking is like a brain enema. It just cleans all the crap out of your head.

And now I get to hear myself think. I’ve been living life for many years believing that the only meaning of life is knowing that life is meaningless. Some may think this is an empty thought but to me this is a thought where there is no greatness when there is no simplicity, goodness and truth. Out in the wild I get to explore all of the greatness with a desire to feel something but the truth is I see the science but I also experience the ordinary randomness

White to my right

And red to my left

When I ponder the randomness of life while out in the wild I value the balance between hazard and endurance with a willingness to accept that control my only be an illusion. My success isn't determined by the summit but by the way I get there on my own two feet. I've always expressed myself through my physicality and the simplicity of mere survival here all alone follows an instinctual rhythm without rules or routines and no one or nothing to rely on. This is my simple good truth.

At the bottom of the north now I run into a four pack of hikers heavily loaded at Cottonwood Creek camp ground. As I'm filing up my camel back again for the 8th time now I'm daydreaming that maybe one of them will accidentally drop a Cliff bar or some food. I'm starving. I follow behind them a while but not too close so I don't seem creepy but they settle down for the night at camp and nothing was dropped. I ration my last piece of gum and will reward myself when I get to Phantom Canyon. Only 500 miles to go.

Some things in the desert are soft

Bat cave

What I missed last night now I see. Large vertical limestone walls and the bat cave. I hear them squawking and getting ready for the night. Why so serious? I feel like the Joker now at this time of night when my eyes start playing tricks on me. I've been on the road for nearly 24 hours now and I start to see ghouls and goblins hiding in and around the rocks. The labyrinth of fraggle rock creatures are peering out and I see a hunchback troll hiding behind a rock. I get closer and my heart pounds as I feel it's about to jump out at me. As I pass by it never moves and I realize I'm hallucinating from fatigue and hunger. Only 400 miles to go.

Do you see the ghoul?

Or the goblin?

The hunchback troll is across the bridge. Pay your dues.

A whiny cry baby with meager rations zentangled in the chasm. Time to find zest. I splash water on my face and chew my last piece of gum and take my last vitamin I and was rewarded by a little frog who came over to say hi. He's so small in this big ol' world and I feel the same. As I'm taking his picture I hear, 'plop, plop, stomp, stomp, stomp!' and now I wonder if my visual hallucinations are also auditory. I look up with my headlamp and a ogre is standing above me. He's 7 feet tall and bulletproof. I'm speechless. Then his baritone voice with a thick German accent asks, "did you see scorpion?" Yes I reply. Then he demands, "You go to Phantom Canyon Ranch, you take me there." Hmmm? Listen here jelly I'm not your peanut butter. I grew up in the hood and now I'm having hood thoughts standing here dazed and crazed. I ask him where his headlamp is. He says he doesn't have one. I ask where's your phone you have a flashlight on it. He says he doesn't have one. I ask where he came from expecting him to say Shrekville but he says rim to rim to rim. "That's interesting because I haven't seen you all day, sure I'll take you to Phantom Canyon, follow me." Nothing more was said. I clutch to my knife and it's ready to go. I'm out of water too. I find new zest and for every 5 quick steps I take he takes one with his 7 foot stride. I'm sweating my brains out but I get us to the ranch quickly and the café is open for business. We go inside and I misunderstood his misogynistic ogre behavior because he's just as demanding to the boy behind the counter. "You give me water." I give him my tired steely eyed glare and tell him that I'm going to fill up my camel back out front by the spigot. When I get outside I run for it as fast as I can because I know the ranch hand short cut trail through the pasture and then I can race across the sliver bridge, along the sandy river trail and I remember a good place along Bright Angel with the tributary creeks where I can hide then soak my feet. There's no way without a headlamp, phone or map that he'll find his way I think as I'm running. I look back often as I'm crossing the bridge and don't see him then as I'm running on the sandy trail I feel those pearls I'm making bore holes in my toes but I can't stop. I'm too scared.

You are ribbiting

Finally I make it to the tributary creeks loose the ogre and tend to my wounds. It's a long 6 miles to the top and fatigue knocks me down but I see a good sans scorpion bivy along the trail after the first waterfall where I could lay down in my sleeping bag where no one would see me, unless you're 7 feet tall. The rustling cottonwood leaves sing me to sleep...

...'Plop, plop, stomp, stomp, stomp'...noooooo! He found me and I hear his footsteps and he stops right at my bivy but I don't move a muscle. He stares long but then saunters off. How did he do it in the dark? I know he saw me laying there. There is no disappointment so numbing as someone no better than you achieving more. Maybe he did do the same thing I did. R2R2R but in reverse, which is why I never saw him. Mankind is resilient; the atrocities that horrified us a week ago become acceptable tomorrow. I realize now that he never wanted to hurt me because if he did, he would've. Perhaps I hallucinated the whole thing?

On my way up achieving the SKT (slowest known time) pondering Elon Musk inventing hover crafts with docking stations at the bottom, I was greeted by a Grand Canyon sunrise.

A true seven wonder

On my way up I was inspired and wrote a little poem:

And to me, through pains’ unyielding rigor,

A mindless routine, has controlled my sight

On Autopilot now, one lonely phantom figure

Remains on the incline, all through the night

Soon there will be light.

I look up and feel me here, thinking, shrinking,

And see the path ahead amid the blackened chasm

Once more my sand is sinking,

Shall I traverse Grand Canyons majestic domain

Never to be seen again?

Sun's out guns out

As I staggered over the rim, it was not at all clear to me who was the conqueror and who was the conquered?

I made it and my final greeting was a big bright angel with a whole bottle of vitamin I and a giant bag of crispy salty chips. I love angels.

Let there be light

The events of the past day have proven to me that I am wholly alive, and that no matter what transpires from here on in, I have truly lived

What's your patronus?

Mission complete and I think we should brush nothing aside, set no restrictions. We should experience hunger and thirst, be able to go fast, but also to go slowly and to contemplate. With the slowest known time of the R2R2R of 50 miles, 11,000’ vertical with a side detour to Ribbon Falls and some aimless wandering. I started at 9pm on Friday night and finished at 5am Sunday morning. The south rims elevation is 6800', the bottom is 2500' and the top of the north is 8200' and it truly is a wonderful seven world wonder.

I'm done disturbing the peace, for now...

Comments or Questions

oldschool

Well done!

10/16/2019 04:53

RFP...relentless foward progress.

I did an R2R2R in 2016 I think it was. I loved it as you seem to have.

Thx for sharing your experience.

Mike

Jay521

I love this report!

10/16/2019 06:52

I enjoyed this a lot - love your writing style. And the line "Hiking is like a brain enema. It just cleans all the crap out of your head. " is a truism. Love it!

painless4u2

Jelly and PB

10/16/2019 19:30

What a fun read and nice accomplishment. I only managed an R2R but that was plenty for me, so yeah, I "bought the squirrel". Life has wonderful possibilities (and meaning!).

d_baker

fun read!

10/20/2019 15:15

I like your humor....I hope you'll post more self torture reports in the future!