Disclaimer: I meant to post this report last year, but technical difficulties prevented my posting. Luckily this is a timeless tale.

Sir Mennoguy and Tdawg rescue the Prince and Princess: A Heavy Metal Adventure

The date was August the 2nd 2019, our quest began just below the No Sleep Till Brooklyn Mine.

Three, no four travelers ford the river, more like crossed the road and southward journeyed on. Really it was more South/Southeast.

The road is lined with peril or really wet undergrowth, the air is charged with fear, or mosquitos. The shadow of his nearness or farness, we really couldn’t tell, weighs like iron tears, more like iron sulfate, the area reeked of sulfur which I suppose could bring someone to tears.

The forest was dense, the ancient road quickly became overgrown. Which was all for the better, travelling cross country would hide our tracks better, and a wise sage told us all to “Get off the road.” That sage was most certainly correct, considering a wraith appeared shortly after they left the road. It’s amazing how those coincidences work. Now back to our story, as soon as we left the road we heard a great crashing sound as a beast lumbered through the forest. A great Wendigo appeared, the hulking beast roared. It seemed strange to see such a beast so far south and in such a dry climate. I asked the beast why he was here, he responded that he lives in Ohio. I guess his story checks out. The time for pleasant greetings was over, the Wendigo reared on its hind legs and let out a primal scream. We reached for our weapons, quickly realized that we were hikers and had none so we ran away.

Our minstrels sang of our cowardice, until they were caught and eaten by the Wendigo. There was much rejoicing by all.

Unfortunately, our party had been split up by the chase, Prince Ben and Princess Maddie were lost without their valiant knights to protect them. Sir Tdawg suggested we continue on to Anvil to forge weapons. I concurred. Continuing this quest without arms would certainly end in our deaths.

Legend had it that an ancient wizard lived on Anvil who would craft you the perfect weapon, we found the path of the many pilgrims who had made the journey before us. The mountain was most certainly designed to keep the unworthy away. The mountain was littered with the bones of those who had perished making the quest, then the mountain was only skulls and bones, crunching underfoot. Sir Tdawg and I crawled to the top only to be greeted by a balding middle-aged man with a beard headbanging to Anvil.

“Brian Posehn, what the hell are you doing here?”

“I liked Anvil before the movie, I’m more metal than you.”

“Are you the wizard?” Tdawg asked.

“No, he’s a creepy dad who still likes heavy metal,” I replied, “Let’s get out of here.”

“I thought we were on a quest to find the precious heavy metal, maybe he can help us.”

We looked back at Brian, who had returned to headbanging to Anvil, if I listened hard enough I could hear it. Then I saw Tdawg start to headbang, it was contagious, next thing I knew I was headbanging. Soon there was a mosh pit. Inexplicably three people made a mosh pit. The music stopped and Brian said, “you are worthy.” He handed me a ruby encrusted battle axe. He handed Tdawg an emerald encrusted sword. “You must protect the prince and princess, get them to Iron Maidenton before it’s too late.”

“Too late for what?” my question went unanswered, Brian was moshing and headbanging again.

I gazed north, towards Ohio, that’s when I saw them, the prince and princess. They were not alone, they were being trailed by a spectre.

“We must leave!” And so we sprinted down the bones and brimstone to rescue the prince and princess. As we neared Ohio a strange trance overtook us, a beat we couldn’t quite place filled our bones.

“That’s not metal!” Tdawg exclaimed.

“It’s not,” I replied, “It’s electronica from France.”

That’s when we saw the prince and princess raving to the beats.

“Nooooooo!” I yelled as I charged the DJ, smashing the turntable with my battle axe. “Nevermore shall you pollute the air with such sounds!”

The prince and princess awoke from their trance, groggy but still alive.
“What happened?” Ben asked.

“Justice has been served, you almost became a slave to those hypnotic beats,” Tdawg explained.

“Oh no,” Ben weeped, “How could I let this happen.”

“It’s okay,” I said triumphantly “We’re here now. We must get you to Iron Maidenton.”

We could see our objective, the glowing lights of Iron Maidenton, it would only be a few days.

We took refuge for a few days at Curl of the Burl's mountain cabin.

As we proceeded on our journey all who crossed our path were crushed by my axe or Tdawg’s sword. An odd sensation overcame me, a nagging voice telling me I was going in the wrong direction. I confided my concerns with my companions, who did not share my concerns saying that we would be in Iron Maidenton by the next morning. The following morning we did arrive somewhere, though it wasn’t Iron Maidenton. We were staring up a giant sentient monolith. I grabbed Tdawg before he was ensnared by the monolith. Ben and Maddie were not so lucky, they were entombed within the monolith. I tried to smash the monolith with my axe but failed.

“What do we do?” I cried.

“Go to Red Fang Mountain,” A ghastly voice replied.

“That’s a good idea,” I said running towards the crimson peak. “I heard that there were great warriors that live on that mountain.”

“What’s a good idea?” Tdawg asked.

“Nevermind, let’s go.”

We ran night and day, Red Fang Mountain never got any closer. Then all of the sudden the ground changed and we were running on PBR cans, I knew we must be getting close. The great warriors greeted us at the summit. A great army was assembled to counter the army being assembled by the monolith. Soon the plains below Red Fang Mountain would be running red with the blood of human and mythical creature alike. At the sound of the horn our army charged down the hill littered with PBR cans towards the plain.

“For the prince!” I yelled as I struck a metallic beast.

“For the princess!” Tdawg screamed as he joined the fray.

“You see what happens Larry!” I screamed as I bashed the beast again, “This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!”

“What the hell are you doing to my Jeep?” A man yelled.

That’s when reality struck me, I looked into my hands, the great axe was replaced by a stick. Tdawg looked equally confused by the stick in his hand.

“I kill your car!” he raged.

“Uh, we don’t have a car,” Tdawg stuttered.

At that we took off, running pell mell down the road, Brian had obviously given us faulty weapons. We soon ran into the prince and princess studying the flowers in Iron Maidenton.

“How did you escape the monolith?” I asked.

“The what.”

“No matter,” Tdawg said, “The prince and princess are safe and we delivered them to Iron Maidenton. Our quest is complete!”