Peak(s):  Pyramid Peak  -  14,018 feet
Date Posted:  06/26/2012
Modified:  02/18/2014
Date Climbed:   06/25/2012
Author:  SurfNTurf
Additional Members:   WDavis
 Look at us!!!11!!!1   

MOUNTAIN: Pyramid Peak (14,018')
ROUTE: Northeast Ridge (Standard)
RT MILEAGE: 8 miles
ACTUAL RT TIME: 8.5 hours (4 hours to summit, 1 hour on summit, 3.5 hours down)
CLIMBERS: WDavis (Will), SurfNTurf (Jeff)

Me looking kool.

When Will invited me on his Pyramid Peak* 2012 expedition, I was partying in the downtown Denver club that you probably can't get into. VIP only. I was eventually able to peel my harem off me long enough to text back, "LOL OK BRO!!!!!!!" The main reason was I needed a new Facebook profile photo. I threw a few $100 dollar bills in the air and departed to pack.

For those of you who are familiar with Pyramid Peak, it was vastly inferior to my ability level. Take that with a grain of salt though because I top-roped in Castlewood Canyon once. I'm a supreme freaking badass. It might be Class 4 for others but I'd call it Class 1+. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, it's probably 5.14c and I free-soloed a new first ascent route. Peep my Facebook album yo!!!!!!

I met Will aka Will.I.Am aka the Texas Machine aka Jorts Guy aka The Revelation at the T-Rex Lot at 2 a.m. Monday morning. Driving through Glenwood Canyon while so tired you're borderline hallucinating is an interesting experience, but I cranked up my dubstep tunes and that made it kool.

To my extreme disappointment there were only a half-dozen tourists around Maroon Lake when we set out at 5:45 a.m. They were too busy taking pictures of alpenglow on the Bells to even really notice us. They must not have known who we were. The trail goes right around the lake and before we knew it we were at the turnoff for Pyramid. I was cold so I ran real quick to Crater Lake and started a bonfire in a small fire ring. Once I was warm I threw a few more logs on the pile so others could enjoy the fire later and headed back to the Pyramid trail.

Alpenglow on the Bells, ~5:45 a.m. (photo by Will).

Turnoff for Pyramid trail (taken on descent).

The elevation gain began in earnest. The trail is darn steep, but it's newly constructed and a breeze. Will and I passed a guy because we're basically Ueli Steck on steroids. Pyramid came into view and before long we were in the amphitheater. I took a few photos of myself flexing and sent it to my ex-girlfriends with the caption "bet u miss this lol."

The standard trail is still buried under snow, and except for the ice axes we brought solely for tourists to think we were badass, we were unequipped for that. We stayed on the talus to the left without much trouble. We eventually reached the loveable gully we nicknamed "The Pharaoh's %*^&#@!," which might give you trouble because it's loose, steep and covered in scree. For us though it was an easy day for a lady. About 1,100' later we were on the 13k saddle and examining the upper route. I stared it down and screamed, "I. AM. SURFNTURF." The mountain trembled.

Will looks up at the completely underwhelming Pyramid.

The mountain I conquered and bagged, from the amphitheater.

The Pharaoh's &^%$#@! (taken on descent).

First look at the upper "difficulties." Class 1+.

The sometimes hard-to-see trail winds around the right side of the ridge until about 13,200' before cutting over to the left. The famous features appear quickly. The Leap of Faith is almost immediate and leads right into the Cliff Traverse. I moonwalked across and had Will take an iPhone photo to upload immediately to the Facebook group.

Leap of Faith.

Leap of Faith exposure.

Cliff Traverse and exposure.

Will being rad and dominating.

The Class 2+ trail gets better cairned after the Cliff Traverse. I wrote on each one with a Sharpie that said "SURFNTURF WUZ HERE 6/25/12." A few minutes later we were at the base of the Green Wall. It's over before it really begins; we were exiting after only 200' or 300'. We continued to follow a cairned route around left and it began zig-zagging up. With careful route-finding we were able to keep the entire thing Class 3 except for three or four harder Class 6+ moves. I almost got scared once until I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes.

"Keep pimpin keep pimpin keep pimpin keep pimpin" - Lil Wayne

Entrance to Green Wall.

Will free-soloing 5.14c.

Looking up the Green Wall and the exit point.

Why We Climb (kool photoz).

Me looking pimp (photo by Will).

Will nears the summit.

Final hundred feet. Pyramid is shaking in its boots.

Finally, Pyramid yielded to the inevitable and we conquered it. I stomped on the summit marker so it would know I'm the boss. I wasted little time tweeting "JUST BAGGED PYRAMID LOL EZ DAY 4 A LADY." A goat joined us at the top. Will tried to jump on its back so I could take GoPro footage of him singing the following:

"I'm on a goat, I'm on a goat
Everybody look at me
'Cause I'm riding on a goat
I'm on a goat, I'm on a goat
Take a good hard look
At the mother%^*&ing goat!"

The Bells looked beautiful. I dropped my pants so they could see how huge my balls are and know that I am coming for them. Will unpacked the stereo and we proceeded to have a dance party at 14,018', which was the first dance party ever on a 14er and there's no disputing that. Screw the haterz. I AM LIVING LIFE AND I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS.

Maroon Bells from summit (photo by Will).

Bells, Snowmass and Capitol.

Cathedral, Conundrum and Castle.

Me wondering how many ladies will "Like" this photo on Facebook.

Me looking sexy (photo by Will).

Conquererz (photo by Will's camera).

The descent takes almost as long as the climb. I trundled some rocks down the Green Wall because I like to watch them roll and make noise. It makes me feel powerful like a Thunder God. Will took pics of me trundling rocks on purpose for Facebook. LOL!!!!

Eventually we made it back to the Pharaoh's &^%$#@! and descending it was probably the crux of the route. However because I had conquered Pyramid it was now my bitch. I commanded it to send me wind, which I used to float like a feather back down to the amphitheater.

Me trying to pose for a cool photo to upload to User Pics.

Will about to re-enter the Green Wall.

Looking down lol so easy.

Good look at Pyramid's upper reaches.

Me totally not afraid of exposure (looking kool).

Route back to the saddle. The hiking begins again, so no more kool photos.

Back on the trail, the walk out was quick. We finally began passing a ton of tourists, who we shoved out of the way because %$^& tourists. I did show a lady or two my ice ax and told them I'd climbed a technical ice route with an equal difficulty rating to K2. Once back at the car we basked for a while in the parking lot. We'd stashed a rope and crampons in the trunk, which we now placed on the ground to "dry" and draw attention.

When we finally packed up we went straight to the nearest coffee shop in Aspen to upload pics to Facebook. I drove home fairly tired but fueled by the never-ending stream of comments from my devotees.


*If for some reason you couldn't figure it out, except for the route beta this entire report was satire.

Thumbnails for uploaded photos (click to open slideshow):
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30

Comments or Questions

look at yourself
06/26/2012 18:19
no comment


Dude ...
06/26/2012 18:29
8) Happy trails!


06/26/2012 18:32
Did you even think to ask this question?


See Below
06/26/2012 18:33


You did that without a port-a-ledge?
06/26/2012 18:37
I'm pretty sure you guys are the first to free that specific route. Until you showed up that was a full on aid route, not that pansy clean stuff but full on nailing. You conquered that mountain,absolutely beat it into submission. Do you think there is any left for the rest of us?

Damn second-handers
06/26/2012 18:46
Also -- I think I see the Bells trembling behind you.


06/26/2012 18:53
I can't believe you pussed out and did the easy 5.14c route without a hot tub. Come back and post another TR when ur balls finally drop.


Life is good
06/26/2012 18:58
for a pimp! You and Will flattened this mofo! Some Tanquaray for you at the next meetup, foshizzle.


06/26/2012 19:04
Reminds me of when I climbed pyramid three years ago. LOOK AT MY PICTURES. I'll add the link to my personal blog later so you can look at that too.


Look at you!!!
06/26/2012 19:05
I feel honored to be able to see your FaceBook photos, you weren't kidding, the ladyz are loving them!

Way to climb for the right reasons and make this peak your bitch, it looks waaaay overrated. Next time add more pics of rad gear you didn't need to use because you just free'd it all like a boss!

George James

It's a check in a BOX!
06/26/2012 19:08
...a check in a box gurl...

Thanks for the laughs!


Very Clever
06/26/2012 19:16
I bow to your incredible skill and intellect. I think I need to go trundle some rocks now in your honor.


06/26/2012 19:16
What took so long?!? I could have done it in 6 hrs.


06/26/2012 19:19
some good stuff.


Cuz now I got the world swingin' from my nuts.
06/26/2012 19:48
Literally the funniest TR I have ever read. Thanks for the 10 minutes of entertainment at the cube!

Shawnee Bob

06/26/2012 19:51
Funniest thing I've read on months! Best TR EVAARRRR


06/26/2012 20:01

Craig Cook

06/26/2012 20:22
Best trip report ever.

Although the fact that you were too much of a pansy to climb it in jorts lowers your kool rating by 4.8 points.


You wore shoes?
06/26/2012 20:32
Pffft! F^&%in' amateurs, Man.


”...I work out”
06/26/2012 20:36
Who could top this? I bet all those ”deuce, deuce-and-a-halfs” at the Maroon Lake Lot loved LL Cool J(eff).


06/26/2012 21:53
You couldn't find any marmots to punt?


06/26/2012 22:03
you forgot to mention ”we climbed one of the tallest mountains in the united states!!!!111”


Why didn't you...
06/26/2012 22:08
make it easy on yourselves and climb the NW Ridge?


Like my uncle Darrell used to say...
06/26/2012 22:23
hustlin only easy when the hustlin done, but hustlin aint eva done...


Of Course
06/26/2012 22:41
As much as I want to be surprised, I'm not. This was awesome.


5 minutes of fame
06/26/2012 23:43
You should have laid out some cams in the car park. People always want to know how they work, next time hey. Thanks for the smiles.

Dave B

Number 30
06/27/2012 00:36
I just had to be the person who pushed the comment count up to the number of pictures in this report.

Nice report by the way.


06/27/2012 01:27
Is this route okay to bring my pet chihuahua on? I'm worried she won't make it across the leap of faith.


06/27/2012 01:58
Thanks for the TR; so far, the funniest one I have ever read. Thanks .

d_baker Player's Cards
06/27/2012 02:17
When they come out, can I get a signed one from you?
Thanks for not going topless on the summit.

Overall, I think you've spent too much time on the forum around here and have been heavily influenced by the bravado put out by others. Mainly that Gladbach guy and the dude that runs the site.
But, whatever.

It was kind of fun to read this trash anyway. ;)
Nice work on the sensationalism, but you did work for the press before, didn't you?!


Bravo Sir...
06/27/2012 03:18
I wonder what the Baron would say if he gets resurrected!?!

Kevin Baker

I feel inferior
06/27/2012 04:20
You've got 37 likes, Jeff! Better let the ladies know you're getting some big time attention on They're lining up for the next SurfnTurf adventure! Nice job with the satire!


06/27/2012 04:58
All this is missing is some #YOLO tweets from the summit


That was a great
06/27/2012 05:56
TR, SurfNTurf, and Ima let you finish...but Peezy167 had one of the greatest trip reports of all time.


Not Impressed
06/27/2012 05:58
I'll be impressed when you clean the toilet.


You forgot the bare chested shots!!!
06/27/2012 16:04
Bad ass nonetheless! Thanks for the laughs!!


You started the fire!?!?!?!
06/27/2012 19:42

I'm going to call the Ranger and tell him SurfNTurf started the campfire.

Brian C

Holy crap!
06/27/2012 23:18
This is the best trip report I've ever seen. But I guess you'd already know that since nobody else pales in comparison to you guys!


You didn't just day-hike it from the T-Rex lot
06/28/2012 02:32

Mountain Woman

Freakin Hilarious
06/28/2012 03:51
I was reading ”Is Marriage for White People”. I was all de-stimulated and nodding of to sleep. One of your devotees called me (big headache from the phone ringing), then personally forced me to the computer to read this. Now I'm all awake, I've peed my pants, and I'm going to have take another 2 hours out of my busy life to wash and dry them before I can go to bed.

Mountain Woman

06/28/2012 04:01
Can I give you my phone number?


06/28/2012 05:12
No girls? Please convert this to a ”conditions” report.


Awesome TR
06/28/2012 06:29
A year or two ago I started a thread about not being geared up enough on the mountain. I know that thread went apeshit. I never read it all. I did learn that the 14ers community is waaaaay uptight as a whole. It was supposed to be a joke. I never really posted much after that thread. This TR has brought back my desire to make fun of this community. Great stuff! Thanks!


06/28/2012 22:26
Fifty, is this the most comments on a TR ever?

Oh and climbing in helmets, shoes, even clothes? Lame. Pyramid isn't accomplished unless without gear, food, water, clothing. Oh yea and no chicks? WTF?


06/28/2012 22:56
See Gladbach's winter Capitol report (60 comments)


06/29/2012 00:21
Copy that Dan. Gladbach's winter Cap TR is a joke compared to this. Now that's 52.


Dislike (1)
06/29/2012 02:52
”Tommyboy360” got some 'splainin to do


06/29/2012 03:09


"Tommyboy360" got some 'splainin to do
06/29/2012 04:36
”*If for some reason you couldn't figure it out...” This comment was satire. To really like it, you got to dislike it.


Really should have been a buffalo on the summit so
06/29/2012 05:34
You could be the guy on the buffalo!

I want to be a part of history
06/29/2012 12:48
Can my Smart Car make it to the trailhead?

bummer brah
06/29/2012 12:58
I hear mountain project just downgraded your 14c to a 13d


06/29/2012 13:27
Thank u guyz for realizing how great my accomplishmint was, i hope i inspired u to chase ur dreamz. remember NETHING IS POSSIBLE!!!111!!!!1!1! #YOLO


Best Trip Report EVER!
06/29/2012 15:08
Hilarious!!! I will post this on FB soon and tag myself in all the cool photos.


06/30/2012 14:55
Since you won't call them back, I guess they started contacting the rest of us who worship at your footstool. Have your people call their people.


07/01/2012 16:36
This is the best TR.


Just goes to show you...
07/02/2012 03:55
that sgladbach's signature ain't true:

”We knocked the bastard off.” Hillary, 1953
”It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.” Hillary, 2003
Couldn't we all use 50 years of humble growth?

You don't need 50 years of humble growth when your the happening' SurfNTurf!


Thanks for the disclaimer
07/02/2012 10:52
I just thought you were super gangsta before I read the * at the end.

Epic TR.

Loved it
07/02/2012 14:54
Thanks. That was just fantastic.


I have never laughed so hard.
07/03/2012 19:24 needs to create an award for the most entertaining trip report. This would win. Thanks for the fun. Pyramid is on tap for 19 July. It is already trembling in anticipation. Vort.


09/01/2012 19:58
Read your TR in prep for this weekend climb... I don't think I'll look at Pyramid the same now


Holy Crap this was funny!!!
09/07/2012 04:05
The absolute funniest TR I have ever read. I haven't laughed so hard in months. Well played.


A knee brace???
09/24/2012 15:44

Shasta Locales

You've ruined TRs from now on
03/04/2014 02:33
They say once a genre is successfully parodied, no more serious attempts can be made at it.

Pretty sure I'll never write another after reading this.


11/07/2014 19:09
Would have been more pimp if you brought a golf club and wacked some balls from the summit, so the tourists down below can catch one and have a keepsake of your mighty greatness of your summit of one of the highest peaks in the lower 48. Then maybe they would have stuck around to get your autograph. 🐐 Next time ride the goat. It is the only way to become one with the goat. 🌄


07/19/2019 00:37


12/06/2019 10:16
Nice work! I still can't stop laughing!

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