Sarcastic Tips for Newbies

FAQ and threads for those just starting to hike the Colorado 14ers.
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daway8
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Sarcastic Tips for Newbies

Post by daway8 » Fri Mar 26, 2021 9:43 pm

Some tongue-in-cheek advice for those who may be considering heading out in this season between calendar winter and the busy summer hiking months…

1. Never wear cotton!
Cotton is deadly – at high altitude the fibers interact with the altered atmospheric content in such a way that they dissolve human tissue. If you wear cotton on a 14er you will die!

2. Always carry at least 6 forms of navigation!
Have the GAIA app loaded on your phone? What if the battery dies? Have a Garmin InReach satellite device? What if solar flares knock out the satellite network? Have a paper map? What if it blows away? Navigation is serious business – if you’re on Bierstadt and loose your first 5 methods of navigation you’ll be glad you listened to this tip!

3. Always wear a helmet – even while sleeping!
Think you’re safe just because you’re hiking up Sherman? Think again! Once a rock gets falling those things can shoot out any which way and even rip right through you tent! You can never be too safe! In fact, full body armor is better!

4. Never use a CamelBak or other hydration pack in winter!
Once the tube freezes the changes in atmospheric pressure cause the pack to swell until it explodes, sending deadly ice crystals flying everywhere!!! Few people have ever worn a hydration pack in winter and lived to tell about it!!!

5. Mountaineering boots are essential!
Think you can scale a 14er wearing those crappy boots from Walmart – you’ll probably end up as a double amputee – if your boots costs anything less than $500 your feet will probably end up as a mangled mess if you even make it back alive at all!

6. Certification is essential!
Thinking about attempting a 14er without being certified by AMGA, CMC, CAIC and PBS? Come on people, these mountains aren’t for little kids – only the most elite of mountaineers can handle the physical and mental stress especially for those endurance routes combining more than one 14er, such as Grays and Torreys!

7. Acclimate for at least 6 months!
Ever drive from Florida up to the mountains and when you open that bottle of sunscreen have it explode all over you? The same thing will happen to you if you rush up to high altitude too soon!!! Millions of dollars are spent every year cleaning up the remains of people who exploded by trying to hike up a mountain before acclimating!

8. Always remain on belay!
Just because it’s a so-called “easy” 14er don’t let your guard down, make sure you know how to place that pro and that you’re on belay at all times! If you go head over heels even on class 2 terrain there’s no telling how far you might roll – remember an object in motion tends to stay in motion – this is simple physics folks!!!

9. Always pack crampons, at least 2 ice axes, and a minimum of 100m of rope!
Just because it’s July don’t think you won’t encounter snow! If you can’t self-arrest with one shoulder ripped out of its socket then you’re not ready for the potential dangers you could encounter year round!!!

10. Train for at least 2 years minimum!
I don’t care how fit you think you are – if you’ve not done rigorous training for at least 2 full years you’ll never make it up one of these mountains! What, do you think some little girl can make it up these peaks?!?!?

I want to stress that climbing 14ers is only for the most highly skilled, professional, elite hard core mountaineers in the world! Sure, you may have climbed Everest but don’t think you’re bad ass enough to take on our Colorado 14ers if you don’t abide by all 10 of these essential tips!!!

(Disclaimer: Yes, I realize people can and do die every year in the mountains, this sarcastic post is not directed at any of them but rather at the sometimes overly dramatized advice that creeps up in the forum from time to time – yes, many of these tips contain actual good advice and a less dramatized version of many of them is perfectly legit but let’s also remember little kids do actually climb these peaks – some of them faster than you!)
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Re: Sarcastic Tips for Newbies

Post by peter303 » Fri Mar 26, 2021 10:06 pm

11. Bring at least 5 dogs without leashes or food. They will make purrfect trail companions.
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OldTrad
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Re: Sarcastic Tips for Newbies

Post by OldTrad » Fri Mar 26, 2021 10:51 pm

Don’t forget your GoPro and your drone, or you’ll never be able to prove how rad you are.
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Re: Sarcastic Tips for Newbies

Post by pvnisher » Fri Mar 26, 2021 10:55 pm

Don't forget that summit sign with the elevation and peak name. If it's not on the 'gram it didn't happen.

Roll a few large rocks down the steepest chute you can find. People used to leave ammunition up there as a courtesy to summiters so they could celebrate with gunfire. You can still see the ammo cans on many peaks. We don't do that anymore, but still celebrate by rolling rocks, which makes a satisfactory gun like crack and dust explosion. You might hear a couple people yelling to cheer you on. Phrases like "hey! Watch it!" are calls for other people around to watch your magnificent celebration.
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CoHi591
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Re: Sarcastic Tips for Newbies

Post by CoHi591 » Fri Mar 26, 2021 10:59 pm

Remember that thread a while back with an obvious troll pretending her (roughly) 4 year old or something like that had climbed all the peaks? There were some really golden quotes like "we ran into a big group who were ALL finishing the 14ers at the same time on Bierstadt!" and "we live in Estes so really not too far from any of the 14ers". And she said something to the effect of "my child has all of her own rescue/survival gear, just in case we get separated".

Make sure your kids have their own survival gear. Because really, getting separated from your 4 year old for an extended time period is definitely a thing that could possibly happen in such wild places as Mt. Bierstadt

Also, don't forget to make a new thread in 14ers.com asking for suggestions on the easiest beginner peaks. Definitely hard info to find otherwise, so it's a good idea to start a new thread as if you're the first person to ever ask.

(In all serious of course this is all in good fun, I'd rather answer a dozen people with "Bierstadt/Grays/Torreys" than have to read about their SAR events on Capitol, and we were all new once. This is good for a few laughs though.)
The days I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days.
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CaptCO
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Re: Sarcastic Tips for Newbies

Post by CaptCO » Fri Mar 26, 2021 10:59 pm

Never look the opposite sex in the eyes, they’ll think you’re hitting on them. Don’t even think about that 4WD or rough 2wd road without at least a 2” lift and A/T tires.
"It's a thing if you want it to be a thing. What others think of something is irrelevant." -OldSchool

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Scott P
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Re: Sarcastic Tips for Newbies

Post by Scott P » Fri Mar 26, 2021 11:58 pm

I agree with #4 (at least the bolded part) without being sarcastic.
I'm slow and fat. Unfortunately, those are my good qualities.
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speth
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Re: Sarcastic Tips for Newbies

Post by speth » Sat Mar 27, 2021 12:26 am

pvnisher wrote:
Fri Mar 26, 2021 10:55 pm
Don't forget that summit sign with the elevation and peak name. If it's not on the 'gram it didn't happen.
Don’t forget to leave the sign on the summit for others to use later. The more signs left behind, the more convenient for the next group to take photos.
I'll be damned if I feel like I will ever know anything, but if we don't keep moving on that last hill, we'll never know what's on the other side.
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All I want is to just have fun, live my life like a son of a gun
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[-X What are you insinuating? Do you think I'm Ranger? =; Because if you do than you are dead wrong.
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Sarcasm or not, it's not even funny to post something like this. Not at this time. Reported.
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Scott P
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Re: Sarcastic Tips for Newbies

Post by Scott P » Sat Mar 27, 2021 1:27 am

If you dare refer to anything as winter between the spring equinox and the winter solstice you will be set on fire.
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Re: Sarcastic Tips for Newbies

Post by d_baker » Sat Mar 27, 2021 6:33 am

The best advice is to tell them what they want to hear, nothing else will suffice. Heed no warnings from the experienced!
Boost their ego, give them a pat on the back, and give them the biggest kudos each time they post. You go boy.
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Re: Sarcastic Tips for Newbies

Post by pvnisher » Sat Mar 27, 2021 7:03 am

"not much further, just over that rise!"
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CaptainSuburbia
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Re: Sarcastic Tips for Newbies

Post by CaptainSuburbia » Sat Mar 27, 2021 8:01 am

I'm coming out the last weekend in May. Does anyone know if I'll need microspikes for Quandry, Greys or Torres?
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